My people has never been known to have a great sense of design or ability to restrain our desire for all things cute. Most of our life is a palette of color and composition that has been vomited by a drunk picasso, but on occasion, the art of dyslexic style has been pushed so far, it circles around to awesomeness. Look at the interior of this random car I found parked in the san gabriel valley - a leopard print dash cover, winnie the pooh cup holder, a purple furry steering wheel cover, glittery heart stickers, mickey and minnie and mickey and minnie, tiny figures dressed in the asian zodiac atop a cotton cloud diorama and tigger the tiger hugging the rear view mirror! What do you do if you're a passenger in this car. Are you mesmorized by this interior or do you automatically head in the direction of the closest sanrio store. Actually, if you notice, there is no hello kitty or its ilk in this car. This person knows what she is doing. Word.

Look. If I say I'm a get you a sandwich, I'm a get you a sandwich. It'll be a good sandwich. I'm not sure what it'll be, it might be the super torta from philadelphia steak and hoagie or the number 7 from the eastside market. Either way, you'll be well fed and you will like it. This is my promise, much like the marine's have their creed about rifles and physician's have their hippocratic oath, I have mine about sandwiches. Because its important.

Michael and prior have finished shooting their film, strangers, and are editing and adding music trying to make it on time for the hawaii film festival. Considering that they did it with a store bought camera shot around los angeles, its a pretty awesome film. Well its awesome because I play guy in background number 2. Actually they think I'm awesome because I bring them sandwiches. Its a win win situation.

He heard me say, "thats weak sauce" and he came towards me off the 3rd base plate visibly upset. And I'm thinking, what the hell is he doing and if he wants to get into a brawl, I didn't care because I wasn't having a good hair day anyways.

The giant robot softball team is now 9 and 0 having beaten obstruction last thursday as we aim towards having a perfect season. We're friendly with most of the teams in the league, shaking their hands quietly after the last out and giving them and the game a modem of respect. But there always seems to be one guy on the opposition that's just crazy like a mother fucker and gets easily aggravated over every call the umpire makes or doesn't make during the game. Dude, its just a softball game, none of us are paid to play and cnn doesn't cover us on their telecast. But here comes mr. mad, growling and yelling....GRRRR. He was on 1st base when the batter hit a line drive to the outfield. He rounded 2nd base and decide to streak toward 3rd where I stood on the outside of the plate waiting for the ball to be thrown in. But the ball sailed slightly to my right and when I made an attempt to catch the ball, there was a little bit of incidental contact. Just a little bump, at worst, a little owie that his mom could kiss and make it all better but maybe she had chapped lips. This guy starts yelling and whining at the ref saying I was in his way and that he could have been hurt. I'm 5'4 full of too much rib eye steak. He's 5'9 and looks like he has a 24 hour fitness membership. Who's zooming who? So I said, "thats weak sauce".

Which must have affronted his manhood quite abit as he stopped the game to march towards me with a hot tempered head. But before he got close, michael walks between us going head to head yelling back into his face. Sean at 2nd base starts peeling off his guards - forget the pads, its going to be knuckle to knuckle. Oh man, we have never gotten into a fight before, but the thing is, michael is like super ninja shortstop guy while sean is big ole brick layer man and I'm just the player that wears glasses with the smart mouth. Everyone maintained control and the game resumed for another inning. Than the player got kicked out - note to guy: don't be shouting "pussy" in the stands when the umpire has already given you a warning. So he had to leave the premises but the best part of course was winning the game 14 to 9.

Myspace just let go of a bunch of people, about 30% of their employees. Thats a lot of people, mostly programmers I suspect. I use to work there. In fact, myspace, got me fired from one job, than hired me, promoted me, promoted me again, moved my dept to santa monica to beverly hills back to santa monica than to el segundo, promoted me one more time and than fired me. And than we were named in a lawsuit together. She was like the crazy fun girlfriend that didn't work out but is now fucked up. Internally, there was alot of shit going on too from supervisors smoking chronic in the parking lot, kids sleeping atop their cubicles, an employee with strong christian values deleting safe profiles, epileptic seizures in the lobby, people drinking beer, a fight in the kitchen and actresses doing mouth exercises during a fire drill. It was like the wild wild west. Hey, why don't you guys try hiring a little better?! One of my superiors took me aside and said to me, "bill, do what you need to do and answer questions later". Of course I didn't answer to him so I'm not sure who had my back at the time. Aside from department, one guy in the IT dept did. He's still there - hope he's ok.

The crowd made me feel comfortable as skinny white boys wearing extra medium shirts, short asian girls with cute haircuts and people with horned rimmed glasses stood around the floor at the echoplex waiting for the band to play. The Lassie Foundation was a shoegazy "fuzzy pink noise" band formed in 1998 and received a strong indie following but broke up several years later, I guess due to real life - Jeff schroeder went on to tour with the smashing pumpkins as their new guitarist and happy tagawa banta began raising a family. But for whatever reason, eight years later, the band decided to play a free show at a small local venue. Who the hell knows why but I told my friends wendy and angelyn, that I was making my way to the front row to be close to the the music that at one time, enveloped my heart, made me feel carefree, hopeful and in love.

Man they played a short set but all their shows are always too short. Standing five feet away, I could watch the weeng weeng ricochet erratically through the air but with intent as jeff manipulated the notes of his guitar to do his bidding. Happy is playing the vibes providing a soothing backdrop while wayne, in his soulfully blissful voice sang about "good times coming" and "stealing to be your one in a million". One of the best things about the band is that I don't know all their songs but when they play, it just all sounds great and by that I mean it doesn't hurt my ears even standing so close to the amps without earplugs. Man, I wish this could have lasted all night.

Wayne ended the show with a song dedicated from happy to her husband Brett standing in the crowd. She had asked the band to reunite and play for their 10 year anniversary. And than it all made sense.

On rare occasion, as a little guy, my mom would make me lobster and i thought to myself, I must be grown up because I never see that dish at mcdonalds or in my lunch sack. The best thing about it was this sauce/gravy that had ground pork with black beans, sliced ginger, minced garlic and chopped green onions. Oh man, I miss my mom's cooking.

Google seems to pull up several recipes called shrimp with lobster sauce. But here's the thing, there is no lobster in the lobster sauce and the sauce itself is what my people and my mom would put on lobster. But yet, here it is, on shrimp. Not lobster.

So I made this for myself and put it on a bed of pasta just to see how it tasted. Not bad. Maybe next time I'll actually make it with lobster. Maybe for my little girl so she thinks she's all grown up.

Young girls living life before they get old, dreamy guys walking with cute half asian girls outside of art shows and a secret concert at a publishers abode - lot of things to do on a saturday night in los angeles.

But sometimes, people stay home, by circumstance or by design and so it is with martin, he of the wife with her five favorite books sleeping next to their 1 year old margot. He was working on his comic before I called so I bring over some strawberry pie and its the least I could do for keeping me company. We do this from time to time during the late nights and like 2 old men, we'll talk about his earthworms or ikea furniture or paladins. Sometimes Jenny is in the kitchen laughing at us although tonight, she's ill in bed. She was the first person to call and console me after a close friend of mine passed away so she would always be protected under a blessing of sanctuary - if this was the world of warcraft.

Peak season in california for strawberries are from April to June. This should keep us occupied for a few months. Wonder what else is happening the rest of the year.

note: it was like in the 90's in los angeles yet martin insists on wearing socks.

Easter Sunday was a fine day as I enjoyed multiple helpings of lamb, lamb chops, chicken and pork skewers at a friends house while kids ran around playing hide and go seek. I wish Easter didn't end but eventually it did as the hand reached midnight. Than at 1:00 am, I received a call.

The porn star was lifted on schrooms, drunk on liquor and high on weed. She was upset because her friends yelled at her for spilling something or another. Twice. She just wanted to go home. Its ok, traffic will be light and what could go wrong? Here's our her conversation.

"pull over pull over, I'm using too big a words that I can't understand!"
5 minutes into our ride and I'm thinking, oh man oh man, this gotta be worth some karma points

"can we go to your house instead?"
I don't need drugs to be paranoid but all I know is, I don't want to wake up with a dead hooker in my bed. I'm just saying.

"I like that noise, oOohhh...oOoohh...hahaha"
She was oOohhhing to the vibration of the car

"why do they have to talk to me like I'm a kid"
I'm assuming this is a rhetorical question so I won't really answer that

"I'm get some tecate. You want a tecate"
Errr, its still illegal to drink and drive at the same time.

"oh my god, I have a bloody nose. Its just a bloody nose, its just a bloody nose"
WTF! Just stay calm and hand her some napkins which I keep in the glove compartment - thank you burger king and wong's wok. And can you imagine waking up to a dead hooker in your bed with blood all over the sheets. That would be not good.

So that was my twitter of the night. Maybe normal life wouldn't be so bad.

On a side note, 70's porn star (behind the green door) and ivory snow model, marilyn chambers passed away. She was found unconscious in her room sunday night.

Men are horny and sometimes, when they get horny, they call girls. Call girls that will provide friendship and companionship for an hour or two, maybe three. So when those horny men call those girls, those girls call me. Because they need me. Because I can drive a car - which happens to be a fuel efficient scion x-a and receives up 38 mpg on the us highway.

There are currently 2 girls that I drive around from time to time. One is a japanese american girl just old enough to drink and the other is an african american porn star who was nominated 3 times for an avn awsrd (there version of the oscars). Spending time with them, I find out.

. As I drove by the food for less on sunset in hollywood, one of the girls said she got her start there at 17 years old. She cried the first time she was found herself alone with a customer. She didn't complete the transaction but laughs about it now.

. Pedicures can cost more than 100 pieces of cheese. But I have to admit, they look pretty good. There were little rhinestones and shapes and all sorts of groovy things glued onto the tips of the toe nails. And no two nail is exactly the same.

. Their old driver is in jail. They found drugs on him. Say no to drugs.

. One girl was initially leery that I wanted to trade services. No. Cold. Hard. Cash...Please.

. They both broke up with their boyfriends 1 day apart last week. Note to ex boyfriend. I know you have a lot of money but dude, did you realistically think that a 37 year old guy could settle down a 21 year old hooker? My friend with down syndrome could have told you that.

. One of them has business cards that says "personal concierge".

. The porn star was getting ready for a party and asked how she looked. She was being sincere but c'mon, if you have a decent body and you're wearing a turquise mini dress, its going to look good. She giggled and told me she wasn't wearing undies. Hmm, I could tell.


Not exactly sure when the economy will rebound and the job market starts increasing so I can find a realy job. But meantime, as long as there are horny men, and they keep calling girls, the girls will keep calling me.

Every year, a couple of old friends and I get together to discuss our favorite movies of the previous year. We all watch a lot of movies (but very rarely watch them together) so this is our chance to catch up and compare notes. Its our favorite, not "best" movie otherwise it would be too easy to add academy award type movies all the time. My 7.

7. 21.
Okay, so they had a white guy play a chinese dude but I love movies about gambling and playing cards. Based on the real book "bringing down the house", which shows the rise and fall of a group of MIT students who figured out how to beat the game of blackjack in Vegas.

6. Let the right one in.
A Swedish film about vampires but seen through the relationship of two 12, well sorta 12 year olds in a small town with simple folk. This didn't have a muscular guy playing the saxophone but not every movie can be "lost boys".

5. Pineapple Express
Stoner movies are usually no good but this one was funny with Seth Rogan, James Franscisco, the dude from foot face way and the other guy from The Office.

4. Speed Racer
People hated it but I thought the detail was funny and caught the spirit of watching the cartoon every saturday on channel 52. And I like that director larry wachowski changed her name to lana. Not a lot lana's around.

3. Iron Man
Bruce Wayne as a multi-millionaire doesn't know how to live. Tony Stark does with his sport cars, girl friends, cool house and of course, hod rod armor. And yea, I'm glad terrance howard got replaced with don cheedle for the sequel.

2. Dark Knight
Superheroes aren't that heroic if the villains are ok. Heath Ledger made jack nicholson look like amateur with his portrayal of the psychotic Joker that hannibal lecter and john kramer

1. In Bruge
This movie is amazing because for an hour a half, this story relies on dialogue between colin farrel and brendan gleason as hitmen talking about the city of bruge and the messed up contract killing that place them in this small tourist town. This movie also features a midget which is always good.

So our friend ronnie says "who needs museums. we do it the right way" as my cousin, kevin and I just laughed and agreed. Well, in phoenix, arizona, there really isn't too much to do besides catch a exhibition baseball game, endure the heat and check out some places that guy fieri of "diners, drive-in's and dives" recommends.



After a 6.5 hour drive from los angeles, we arrive in phoenix, arizona at Matt's Big Breakfast. They've been around for a few years and there was line on the first day they opened. They're a small mom n pop restaurant (she runs the cash register and he's one of the cooks).


Ham and eggs!



Originally I was planning to eat cereal or oatmeal since I was preparing for a bigger meal later in the evening. But they didn't have that at all so I ordered the BLT. Ooh, its easy to like bacon but there bacon was thick meaty with peppery bite to eat. Yum!

This was only the first meal of the day...

Although I didn't look like jesus when I was young, I couldn't eat spicy food to the point where yellow mustard was too hot for me. My tolerance is a little better now. Just a little so I was pretty pretty please when I was able to eat flaming hot cheetos and I liked it! But as a public service announcement, chester's fries that are flaming hot are not the same and much hotter. I found this out while driving when my eyes bugged out and the back of my head started to get damp. Ugh. Fortunately, I has some jarritos tamarind flavor soda in the back seat for emergencies like this! But here's another thing, jarritos in a glass bottle is not twist off! The "personal concierge" I was driving around seem to find it funny but she took pity and bought me a coke at the 7-11. So note to self, cheetos good, chester bad.

Note: Leftover chesters in cream cheese is not necessarily a good idea for breakfast.

One of the problems with my mouth is that I will eat anything and have no problem putting it all in my mouth...at the same time. Why not, it all comes out at the same time. So when philadelphia cream cheese had a contest, I said sure why not, the recipe will be graded equally on originality, taste, presentation and ease of cooking. Oh, I like that! So ground beef! Everyone intrinsically loves the ground beef. You might hate the fat content but you love the taste (you cannot deny that mcdonalds sells alot of burgers and thats not even real meat per ce). So ground beef it is. Why not cilantro? Very controversial herb, me, I'm pro cilantro! And lets add mangoes, Why not mangoes?! Thats what I say, why not mangoes. So lets put it in a taco tortilla because I want to be able to easily eat this without utencils. Oh, I guess I should add some cream cheese too! So here it is. I call it the...err, I don't have a name for it.

Here's the weird thing about this dish, the more crap you put in the tortilla, the better it tasted. The winner gets to spend some time with mario lopez in los angeles. Now, thats exciting!

"all right all right. I'll wake you up when they leave and we'll party likes its 1999! What a you mean who's prince?"

You'd think that hanging out with some hookers who's names are preceded by "sexy" this or "sexy" that would be tons of fun. And it is especially since these particular ones had no pimps management to watch out for. So when my friend asked me to go out with them that evening, it was an easy "hell yea!"

For the last 10 to 12 months, my favorite girl to party with has been margot. But she doesn't have her driver's license yet so usually I have to make up some excuse to go over her 'rent's place to see her - Oh, I have an extra pie...oh, I want to see your new worm collection...oh, I need to talk about world of warcraft and must talk to martin in person". Margot just turned one years old a couple of months ago so its pretty wild to see her crawl as an infant and eventually waddle to her first step or bubble out spit to now chattering in a language only she can comprehend. Pretty soon, she'll be going to pre school, avoiding the prom and smoking cigarettes. Oh man, wheres the time stop machine when you need it. But for now, I get a request to watch over her while she sleeps and mom and pops go attend a function thats past her bedtime.

Hmmm...two different events at the same time. 2 girls vs 1. What to do what to do. The answer wasn't really all that difficult, we all grow up some time.

Crushes are kind of kool keith cuz there's always a sense of hope and joy which brings some romanticism in an otherwise mundane and dreary day. Kate works at a very busy taiwanese bar and grill that is only open for dinner, without single seating, and is always watched over by its owner who looks like a chinese christopher walken but as long as he doesn't have a watch up his ass, its all good. Kate gets hit up on alot because a. she's supra cute b. they serve liquor and c. the servers wear short skirts and low cut tops. So after a few months of small small talk, I finally had to ask her for her number with which she replied with like a recorded message, "sorry, I don't give out my number but here's my email address". Yes, that resounding thud you heard was my heart falling on the cold hard floor now resting in a pool of greasy oil and stale beer with some msg sprinkled on top.

Several months later, I dropped by and gave her some red velvet cupcakes.

3 cups flour. 1 1/2 tsp vanilla
3 tsp cocoa. 1 oz red food coloring
3/4 tsp salt. 1 1/2 bup butter milk
3/4 cups butter. 1 1/2 tsp baking soda
3 large eggs. 1 1/2 tsp vinegar
2 1/4 cups sugar. Separate recipe for frosting

She smiled, hugged me and asked for my email address. I guess that's a start.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button:
If you mixed forrest gump with love in the time of cholera, you'll somehow get a version of benjamin button. The movie spans the lifetime of a reverse aging brad pitt as the old looking boy who falls in love with cate blanchett but doesn't really get to date until he becomes a young looking man. Because any other time, it would just be creepy. While watching, you can try to guess which version of brad that angelina jolie gets to knock boots with, the guy with pimples or the guy with liver spots. Or maybe somewhere in between.
Did I like this: Yes
What I learned from this movie: Black people will take in ugly little white babies cuz they're cool like dat.

Milk:
Weather you supported prop 8 or not in the last election, jeff spicoli, speed racer and james dean shows how one man could forward and champion the gay rights movement through powerful words and hope during the late 70's. Sean penn plays harvey milk, the gay activist transforming himself from a outspoken slightly flamboyant homosexual to a city supervisor voted in by the people of san francisco. Not exactly sure why, but apparently milk had amazing gaydar - he seems to randomly pick up james franco in a subway station without rhyme or reason.
Did I like this movie: Yes
What I learned: More proof that any movie not about opera but contains an opera scene will always have a murder in it.

Doubt
The first 20 minutes bored me like I was in church but once meryl streep confronts philip seymore hoffman about molesting a young boy, it was on. The play leaves the ending ambiguous while the movie includes a small scene at the end that sort of defeats the title of the film. But it might be how you interpret a little boy smiling. Although 4 of the actors/actresses get best actor/actress nominations, it was viola davis in the supporting role that is the best.
Did I like this movie? Yes
What I learned: Although this is a sex free movie, I think doing it with a nun might be more adventurous than a porn star.

Denny's restaurant is not normally a destination but the place you go visit because you're on the road, nothing is open at 2:00am and you're hungry. But its pretty hard to mess up sausage, bacon and eggs with 3 pancakes on the side - and when its free, better yet!



Got to Denny's right at 6 and we were close to the bottom of the 2nd page of names of people wanting the free Grand Slam breakfast they were promoting. I was thinking it would be about a 30 to 40 minute wait so my friend, Martin and I decided to sit down in the adjoining room that was currently closed off. A few minutes later, a server came by and asked if we were there for the free breakfast. Errr, yea we replied and next thing you know, we tell him how we want our eggs and what we want to drink. Did we just get lucky?



Yes, a little bit later, we got our free food! We accidentally got bumped ahead of a grip o people!



Martin got his egg's over medium while we talked quietly about world of warcraft, babies and the next social event - which apparently is nothing. At 7:00, we left the restaurant with a belly full of free food and the afternoon ahead of us. And thats how you start a day!

Beauty pagents, who really needs them. Apparently we do otherwise this girl would never get to show off her skills. Painting...kicking...double brushes...canvas turning...a "ki ah!". Watch the whole thing and yea, that is the theme from enter the dragon.

Hodads was featured in that food show, "diners drive-ins and dives" so my cousin and I drove 2 hours south to san diego to meet some friends and some cholesterol. I have to say, though, top 5 burgers in Southern California!


This is the double with cheese and bacon. The bacon are not strips but like thin ground patties between the layers of ground beef. I have to admit though, I was burping up some vile smell the next morning.


Get the onion rings rather than the fries. Its breaded and the onion doesn't come slithering out so all you're left with is a ring of batter. Each bite is its own delicious snack!

So I figure when I die of a heart attack and I'm watching my life pass by me before my eyes, at least I can nudge God standing next to me and say "thats a pretty good meal right? how's it up here?"

Not exactly sure why margot was making that face. Maybe mommy was checking if she pooped and a draft went down her baby crack. Thats one of the great things about being friends and not parents of kids. You get to see mostly the cute stuff, not so much when they're cranky and crying.