So she said "too bad you don't drink...we could pass out together" and I'm going "yea...I I gotta drive".

Sylvia has been a client for about a month, she's young and turns men's head when she walks by so she works alot. Consequently, I've been driving her quite often so I now know the lyrics to lady gaga's bad romance (...I want your ugly I want your disease) and how much make up brushes cost (expensive). It was around 11:00 in the night and she called to see if it was too late to pick her up at 1. Not at all but I guess from her conversation about alcohol, she also wanted to escape her reality that my car can only take so far. I'm not very suave when it comes to any combination of women and liquere but fortunately, I have the professionalism of work to hide behind. However, whatever drinks she had in mind seem to have evaporated when I came to pick her up. With the brisk cold wind in our face from the crack of the windwo, we made our way from one end of los angeles to another, killing time with short conversation and long pauses. We were both pretty tired. As we arrived, she rustled through her purse hoping her keys would reply "polo" to her "marco" but instead, it stayed hidden and we would have to wait until the "guy she lives with" came back. She was hungry so I suggested a small 24 hour noodle and dumpling diner in korea town that gets about 4 our 5 stars on yelp. I like it because its quiet.

45 minutes later, her dude arrived and I dropped her off. She smiled at me as she walked up the stairs to her apartment...

Every year there seems to be an awesome new way of preparing turkey so its moist and tasty! But really, am I'm going to coat my turkey with mayonnaise or brine it in a bucket of salt water or apple juice? I'm not completely buying it but apparently, target, which is already my favorite store now carries Turkey in a bag by archer brand! So I decided to make a pre thanksgiving dinner to test out the cooking time but more importantly how it taste. Well, its pretty simple to begin with.




1. Cut bag (and the turkey is inside another bag! Its like a chinese puzzle box!)
2. Put turkey in at least 2 inch high tray (you can buy the disposable ones at the supermarket)
3. Cut 6 slits about 2 inches in various areas in the bag
4. Place in oven for 3.5 to 4 hours

Pull out and ready to eat. its that simple. I took the liquid from the bag and made gravy by adding flour, water and seasoning. The turkey was pretty moist, I probably left it in 15 minute too long but good enough. Incidentally, I believe target only sells 12 lb. turkey which feeds about 4 to 5 comfortably with leftovers.



Thanks to michael for helping me eat it.

Its pretty easy to like hello kitty but I imagine tougher to put on a good hello kitty exhibition since hell, almost everything kitty up for sale at a sanrio store at one time or another and I'm sure some girl friend has had that item in their bedroom some time in their life. Shoots, even I was given a cool remote control hello kitty from my friend emily. So this show at the royal t cafe in culver city works because it had a good mixture of vintage hk paraphernalia along with modern fashion worn by pop icons.


This old lunchbox was great and who even uses sand timers anymore.


Original outfits worn by paris hilton, lady gaga and some rocker who looks like a cute version of joan jett.


-Bedroom full of kitties!

After winning their season opener, the giant robot softball team seem to be going in a downward spiral, losing game after game, week after week. Heading into the 6th game of the season, our record was 1 and 4, a far cry from the 12 and 0 record the previous season. What changed so dramatically was difficult to say, maybe it was the jump up into a higher league or a merry go round pitching position or complacency by players resting on the laurel of past success. Michael called it a lack of focus. I called it a lack of desire. Jason said it was a lack of heart. Symantics? Maybe, although we were missing one heart that night. Our occasional pitcher and catcher, sean caster; He suffered a stroke earlier in the week and much to his chagrin, his doctor and more importantly, his wife, would not allow him to play.

The shizz is led by 2 asian brothers by the name of lance and ryan. They are currently in 1st place. Some of my team mates love these guys, tell me how good they are, root for them and pay them compliments on facebook. Hell, they should marry em. Me, I hate them. Actually I hate all asian players that don't play for our team. The shizz were currently in first place while GR was still residing in the basement trying to find an identity...or at least a hit. When the team has a combined batting average below .500 in a softball league, there's nowhere to reside but the cesspool of mediocrity. We were home team, however the shizz scored 2 runs in the first inning although it was a long angonizing fight for every pitch. We would score a few runs here but they would score a few back too. Back and forth. Back back forth and forth. However, off to the corner of my eye I saw someone standing there - sean with a big smile, a warm hug wearing a jersey ready to play. But in this case, safety before honor. We went into extra innings with men on 1st and 2nd base. Jason Kato had been upset with himself throughout the game and came up to bat. As the pitched ball floated down, kato took a mighty swing where the ball bounced off the ground to the pitcher where he should have threw it to 3rd. But instead, he went for a double play. Ball to 2nd, 1 out, ball to 1st base, 2nd ou....ooops, the first baseman bobbled it and marc mercury who originally started off at 2nd sled into the plate and giant robot won its second game. Everyone cheered but the biggest heart beat of them all sitting on the sidelines happy to see us win.

Sean actually didn't know what giant robot magazine was but he had seen us play one night while tending the fields of the park we played at. Then one day, he sat down in our dugout and asked us if he could join the team. That was 9 years ago and he's never left.

She was typical like any other 20 year old - short, pretty, eating mcdonalds, shopping for make up and clothes, going to dance clubs and flashing a bright smile to the big big world. But yet, she was my client so how normal was she?

The following day, I received a text from sarah asking if she left her bag in my car. She did not. Oh man, this was bad because we has spent the entire previous day going to the fashion district and hollywood trying to find the perfect top, fabric and cloth to make her sailor moon outfit for the monster massive rave they were throwing at the los angeles coliseum. She had told me about this enent when I first met her, having looking forward to this party for several months before that, and specifically taking the weekend off for a night of escape, dance and fun. But here she was without time to find the materials again with the event a night away. Nothing worse than being with a disappointed little girl. I wasn't with her but I could only imagine her sitting on the sidewalk curb with mascara smeared around her tear welled eyes. I called the hotel she had previously stayed at and left a message with their lost and found. But really, who knows when they go through their box of found treasure? I called several times later and kept being directed to the same answering machine. And apparently, showing up in person would garner the same results. But I've been driving the streets of los angeles for some time now, you'd think I'd leveled up a little, gaining some new abilities or something. Even a 4th level paladin gets judgement of light and seal of might. Where's my spellcast or buff? It was getting close to the end of the day so I called the hotel again and asked to speak to the manager. I say "Andrew, I stayed at your hotel yesterday and I left something in my room. Its kinda of urgent...not really but kinda. My daughter left her halloween costume in a pink bag and I really need it. I already left messages with your lost n found, is there anything you can do?" He said "one moment". Minutes later, he picked up the phone and asked me to describe the contents. I told him some articles of clothing, a sailor outfit, maybe a big red bow. He chuckled and said they had it. Andrew was a good man. I'm going to have to send a letter to corporate.

Its halloween right now and sarah is over at the venue dancing to one of the "biggest one-off electronic music events in u.s. history...pure haunted debauchery". Sounds like a lot of sweaty kids waving their glow sticks, yelling, laughing and moving their bodies in disjointed unison to the mix of some dj or another. I don't do that kind of shit because I'm a driver. But 20 year old girls, they should do it as much as possible.

Driving escorts to their outcall is cool, most of the time after dropping off the client, I kill an hour or 2 by going to target or the mall - ahh, to be a 16 year old girl and window shop! However, sadie asked if I wanted to stay in the house this afternoon rather than wait in the heat that the los angeles end of summer wasn't willing to relinquish. What sounded suspiciously like the beginning of a porn film shouldn't have come to no surprised as sadie was filming today at a house in the san fernando valley - the capitol of porn. The industry of escorts and adult actresses sometimes intersect and sadie did both. So I said "sure" since, well I've never been on a adult video set. Here's what happens.

. They had me pull my car into the garage and shut the door behind me. 5 minutes later, they opened the door and told me to leave. 10 minutes after that, they had me return. Apparently, it was an issue of neighborly discretion and I'm thinking, maybe if you stop opening, closing, opening and closing the garage door, they might not attract as much attention.

. I met the actor and we shook hands. I hoped he didn't just play with his junk since this is one time, like religion and government, I prefer the separation of hand and penis.

. The actor had a huge badingdong but he was only about 5'6 and sadie is about 5'10. But I guess when you're watching porn, no one watches that.

. Sadie says to me, "after you see me, I hope you don't get weird". No, I don't think it'll get weird. As long as you pay me for driving, I can assure you, it won't be weird.

. Between takes, the naked actor comes over, talks on his phone with one hand and plays with his junk with the other. Multi tasking, cool. But maybe you could stand a little further away.

. I'm actually off to the side and reading my magazine while sadies's head kept bopping up and down out of the corner of my eye.

Unlike the real adult movies, they did not ask me to participate. Which is just as well since my guy is less a "badingdong" and more like a "boop". So it was just another day of driving. Hope I didn't miss any sales at target.

The Good:
Whenever I have to kill an hour or two waiting for my clients, I hang out at Target! Its awesome! Today, I found skinny leg black jeans that were about 21 dollars! The best part about these pants is that the legs aren't that tight that they adhere to the shape of your leg. My legs are not like a 12 yo girl, they are more like a oddly shape tree trunks.



The Bad:
Man, food just has a way of finding me. At age 13, I use to catch the bus to school and this beautiful girl (when they're older and wear make up, they're "beautiful") use to sit next to me and always gave me her sack lunch. We never chatted. She just gave me her lunch. I don't know why. I think her name was cynthia. The last time I went to dodger stadium, the lady sitting next to me randomly offered me her 2 tacos. My cousin looked at me and said wtf! I can't help it. Brad Pitt gets girls, I get food. Now I got all these pop tarts. A friend of mine needed the seal of purchase for a discount on a dell computer so he brought a grip load. He doesn't eat pop tarts. I guess I do?


The Ugly:
They say the body is beautiful. I offer exhibit A. My toe. It is not beautiful. In fact, the little toe next to it refuses to hang by it.

Sometimes friends adamantly tell me, "oh, escorts make lots of money!" as if I should be getting a piece of that pie. But the thing is, they don't because they don't all look like julia roberts from pretty woman or live life like porn starts. Some of them are just lost.

Mary is homeless now. When she first answered my ad for a driver on the website, mary was living in a small hotel with her 20 something daughter but weeks later, they now struggle to stay around and awake at a 24 hour donut shop on the main street. She hopes to get an appointment so that her first customer will pay for a room that they can stay in for the rest of the day. But the economy has taken its toll and she rarely gets calls. Her phone just ran out of minutes and her clothes are getting damp in the rain. Mary just shouldn't be doing this kind of work. She's mature, heavy and unhealthy which aren't good traits when your competition are young, attractive and smell nice. She does have one regular customer who lives about 30 miles away which I take her once a week. But that's not enough to pay for even a cheap room when half the fee goes to her transportation. They weren't always like that. 5 years ago, they owned a bookstore when the relationship between shsron and her husband went estranged. He left leaving the mom and the daughter to fend for themselves. They sold as much books as possible and somewhere down the line, mary had to enter into this line of work. The daughter looks out as much for her mom as much as possible and does not do this kind of work. They're not one of the mentally ill that got left out back in the regan administration, they're just americans that went through a spell of hard luck. I use to dread getting their calls because the ride was long and exhausting. But now, I hope they just call.

They're not living their life in luxury. Lot of people aren't.

Derek Kirk Kim is now uploading his comic, "TUNE: praxis and allies" up on his lowbright site. Martin cendreda released his new mini comic, and ben just finished running the baltimore half marathon while suffering from leg seizures. Me, I'm sitting here half fat naked eating potato salad and zuchinni bread. One of us will suffer from a heart attack. Wonder who that'll be.

Zombieland
This isn't so much a horror film as it is a game show road movie with 4 survivors who find themselves relying on each other to kill the undead and make jokes on the way. Jessie eisenberg is the nervous nerdy kid who's list of rules helped him stay alive while sitting on the can and finding food. He meets woody harrelson, who loves killing zombies with an assortment of weapons including banjo's, hedge clippers and shotguns. Emma stone is cute and abigail breslin doesn't get much roles since little miss sunshine so they show up in the movie too. There's a nice cameo by a seasoned comedian and I'll just say its not chevy chase. Is the movie great, not really, but it is fun to watch.

What I learned: Fat people will be the first to be eaten since they're the slowest to move.
Who will see this film: Fans of the 420 since harrelson is an active supporter of the legalization of marijuana and hemp. The concession stands will sell out!
Did I like this movie: yes

Whip It
Ellen Page is just so cuuuute but to be honest, her best work is as a smart character with an articulate mouth otherwise she's just a pretty actress never to be seen again unless woody allen decides to cast her. The first half of whip it is the conventional high school girl trying to find a way out of small town, bodeen, texas, but finds happiness in roller skating and falls in love with a skinny pant boy from an indie rock band. But because drew barrymore directed this movie, she at least moves it past the cliche for the second half when the shit hits the screen and everyone's one dimensional character evolves into full figure personalities. This is a good movie to watch if you wanna see a film about empowering young grrrls so bring your little margot's and zoe's, maybe a date if neither one of you don't wanna think that hard.

What did I learn: Apparently I still like jimmy fallon. He has a small part in this film
Who will see this film: 14 yo girls looking for someone to fill the void now that avril lavigne is grown up
Did I like it? Yes

Jennifer's Body
The studio executives of jennifer's body must have creamed in their rock n republic jeans and patted themselves on the back when this generations living in stereo phoebe cates reborn as megan fox signed on to this horror script written by stripper turn writer, diablo cody. All they needed was a director and they said, "hey, lets get karen kusama of girlfight". Here's the thing, girlfight wasn't about 2 sorority sisters hitting each other with pillows but rather about a troubled young woman who channeled her aggression through boxing. It was like the small indie predecessor to million dollar baby. And both won serious hoitee toitee awards from the Cannes film festival and the academy respectively.

This film is about 2 best friends, one who witnesses and goes to the library to find out that her popular and cheerleader bff has been inhabited by a demon in a witchcraft ritual gone wrong. But the problem is, this movie isn't very scary. When the protagonist starts off the movie in an insane asylum, you kinda know she's not going to get killed. So who's left, everyone else you don't give a fuck about. Its like a r rated version of buffy the vampire slayer except that joss whedon did it much better. Of course if you just wanna watch, megan fox in little tight sexy outfits and hip hugger underwears, thats not a bad reason.

What I learned: In the 21st century, horny boys will break into a house rather than use their cell phone to call their missing date.
Who will go to this movie: Ellen page as she feels obligated to support juno writer, diablo cody.
Did I like this movie: No

Text 1: My plane will be arriving at 11:00 am
Text 2: I'm on stand by so I'll be arriving at 11:30 am
Text 3: Its 10:45, I'm here!

Whoa, whats going on man? Kato wants to be a good driver, be on time, park the car inconspicuous amongst the crowd but its difficult when I get conflicting texts like this. I understand the initial flight plan but why would you be on standby for a later flight. Were you kidding about the first flight? Did you want to enjoy the terminal just a little bit longer? Are you trying to fake people out so they don't when you're arriving. Crazy ho. I gotta remember to ask han how he deals with his escorts. Oh yea, they're on an island, they're not flying anywhere.

Without a waitress to crush on and a strip club too far away, I found myself sitting on a sofa in south los angeles watching an old black and white film that I only slightly remember my old boss and his bald headed cousin made. As part of a grouping of "asian-american" films that were released in the late 90's including, yellow and shopping for fangs, the japanese american national museum are showing them again this week - i guess like when they show the 3 star wars trilogies every so often or when they have a mchale's navy marathon on tv. So I got to see a preview of the reedited version of sunsets.

What the film bladerunner couldn't figure out and what wong kar wai's ashes of time failed to do, michael aki and eric nakamura accomplished by reediting their 1997 film, sunset and making a much stronger cohesive story that solidifies the focus of the film and should deeply resonate with any person growing up in a small city or lost in a big metropolis - well, if you're joe strummer or sid vicious living in a steinbeck story. Taking place in watsonville, northern california, gary, mark and dave are not older than 21, whittling away their last summmer together driving, drinking and breaking into cars for cheap cash and stereos. But man, you can see their aimless lives being played in rerun mode as people before them, stand in front of a fountain searching for a future and new opportunities given are wasted like beer spray fizzing from a shaken can. The filmmaking has a raw edge and grainy look that lays out the characters emotions wile the deliberate slow pacing reminds us all of the annihilus of life. Oh damn.

As I left the house, the moon was out and before me was a long line of parked cars. The movie taught us 2 things about breaking into cars. Always have a look out or leave if its too quiet. It was pretty silent out there except for my car driving away.

As the business of driving ho's is slightly picking up, I need to start becoming a little more professional. Perhaps getting a pen and notepad rather than writing the girls schedule on my arm would be a little classier. But at least I can never say, "oops, I forgot".

Went walking with the nerdy glasses centreda family the other day. Check em out.

Mr. Centreda. "Oooh, I love rhubarb pie. Nothing better than rhubarb pie. Dang, I think mrs. centreda is taking the last piece of rhubarb pie".
Mrs. Centreda. "Oh yea...I getting the last piece of rhubarb pie! Sucks to be you mr. centreda!"
Baby Centreda. "Help me obi wan kenobi, just help me"

Hitting the ball with consistency and power at the batting cages isn't really that practical or impressive in real life, but when you're at the sherman oaks golf park where little kids dream of being major league baseball players and boys try to impress their girlfriends, its pretty cool. And so it was that this girl, looking like a normal version of lindsay lohan in her light green spaghetti strap top and daisy duke shorts, sits down next to me and we start to chat, complimenting each others hitting, Of course her dude friend comes out of the cage and gives her a kiss on the cheek so I know where they stand. Its cool man, tan asian dude, cute white chick, I give props and include him in the conversation. She and I still smile, she introduces herself as....err, i don't remember because guess what, his name is "frances". Before I had a chance to process her name into my short term memory, he drops "frances" so than my mind takes an abrupt detour and I keep thinking of a. the movie stripes and b. who the hell names their boy "frances". Well, its not like I'll ever see her again. Meanwhile, this hipster asian girl with glasses and tattoo's walks by and our eyes meet and I smile. But she keeps walking like she's trying to sniff something high in the air. Oh, is that how its going to be? Well fuck you than. Lindsay and I will meet again next tuesday at the cages, laugh a little, and ask if she could just put her head on my shoulder for the night. Ok, so this last part is made up but at least lindsay give me hope. Just like all the other little boys and girls who come to this park to find. Hope. So tonight, hipster asian girl = epic failure. Cute white chick = the win.

Everyone wants to be tough but just because you lift weights, push people around or talk as if you know what you're talking about doesn't make you tough. Rude maybe, but not tough. Do the following and than get back to me...

1. Crush a bug with your thumb. Anyone should be able to to it after all, we're like 100 times bigger than your normal size insect but we get all squirmy about it. And some of you are all circle of life and will move the rare spider or cute ladybug outside. But how bout when its a gross 2 inch cockroach, I'm fairly certain you're running for the raid or windex (does the job but smells better!) rather than palm striking that critter. Don't lie.

2. Do the number 2 in a public restroom. Some people just can't do it and I'm not talking about the stall where the graffiti'd door is off its hinge and piss is sprayed all over the floor. I'm talking about Target or a hotel lobby water closet.

3. Disagree with an older person like your uncle or ha-muh-nee in their taste of music or movies. Personally, I can go toe to toe with a drunken bully but I'll gladly give up my backbone before telling my auntie that the titanic was a shitty movie.

4. Tell someone they have bad breath or bo. Even though you didn't cause it, being the messenger of "you got foul odor" is a job most people hate or avoid - especially in the work place.

5. Drink tap water. In southern california, our sink water is suppose to be cleaner than any bottle stuff they sell at the market because of the high health code regulations. Its just the metal in the pipes that give it the weird alloy taste. Big deal, a little bit of mineral in your body ain't going to kill you.

When someone says "asap", it usually means they're desperate or unorganized...or horny. And so it was with "john" who was horny for a girl, who called "nancy" who was desperate for a ride, who emailed me as I was about to shut down for the night. But it was only 11:00 pm, traffic would be light and most of all, she was a new customer. First impression is always the best impression! Nancy was at a motel 6 in orange country where I met her and her daughter. Uhhh...daughter? I thought my ad said "no guns, no drugs, no babies". But the daughter was 20 something and probably came along to make sure I was ok. Afterall, what did they know about me except that I had a valid driver's license and I'm sure the hillside strangler and the zodiac killer did as well. Nancy is a little older but still has a bit of a young girls innocence and pragmatic about her situation. I don't know anything about the daughter except that she sat behind me in a position to stab or choke me with piano wire. Perhaps next time, I should bring some kind of protection like pepper spray or a small machete. Right now, all i got in the car is a spork or my memories of what sarah did in an episode of chuck (she pulled the seat handle so it fell backwards on her assailant). The evening went by quick (I don't question the event) and took them both home without a hitch. Everything went smooth and tt worked out well I think. At the very least, the evening did go asap. For both of us.

So while I'm trying to get my ridiculous bisnazz of driving escorts around town, I have to put my self on a dining budget as that seems to be my biggest personal cost. What can I say, I like food and food likes me. But thats ok because the dining fairies have always watched over me. Bam! Kang Kang's, a cafeteria fast food restaurant in monterey park. What so great about it, $5.00 is great about it. For actually, $4.85, I get a bowl of rice, a bowl of soup and 3 entrees of my choice. This place has like over 20 choices although some border on the cheap or unusual including cucumber slices, chicken kidneys and potato salad. But they got normal stuff too like different types of chicken, pork and a fair amount of vegetables. Some can argue about how good/bad it taste but for $5.00, no one's complaining. I also like it because they make dishes I can't make myself like steamed egg and pork and taiwanese chicken. And as a tip for the day, go an hour before closing, about 10:00 pm because they start loading up the food!

Happier Days

During the playoffs, michael had come down with a massive flu but continued to play at a high level, hitting home runs, plucking balls out of the air which one second seemed a sure single or double but now resting in the palm of his glove. Sean had yakked up twice during the day and sweat dripped profusely from his cold clammy skin but still managed to hit 2 homeruns. Hap has a new born son, wakes up all hours of the night but found the time to hit the batting cages and it showed as one of the more overlooked players continued to hit and hit for extra basis. Even on my best day, I don't think I can replicate their feats but in this last game, no one was looking for excuses. But nobody could explain why first inning balls were falling from our normally sure handed first baseman. Why on the signature 3rd baseman's run scoop and throw, his little fingers couldn't pull the ball out of glove he had did so a hundred plays before. And how did the opponent hit the startling homerun on a high pitch when so many previous players struck out. But mostly, why no one hit. Giant Robot had lost the game 9 to 4. A disappointing loss to a triumphant season. Today is just the day after. But n 2 weeks, the pain, the joy and love starts again.

The night was painful as bruises littered my body, my hip, my rib cage, my wrist, my head. They were all there from a hour long softball game of collisions by bodies and by earth. This is suppose to recreational for goodness sake.

The giant robot softball team was in the midst of a 4 game tournament for the city championship. Players seemed more focused this year and perhaps our 12 and 0 record during the regular season made the city trophy that much more closer to obtain. People were going to the batting cages, alpha males became more vocal while the fans in the stand increased in size. The game was tight and taut. For every few runs we scored, the "cobras" would subsequently score a few more as well. It was the last inning and the score was 10 to 9. The tying run was on second base with the winning run on first. There were 2 outs. PK threw the pitch up and the bat twacked the ball....to a low foul ball between the catcher and I. Brian and I both headed for the ball hoping that it would miraculously stay in the air for another few seconds but that didn't happen. The play was dead but our bodies continued to run. Stop. STop. STOP! Than I remember the strike of impact, the sky pulling, gravity shoving and the ground introduced itself to me. My breath said "its me not you" and left my body and I needed a minute to recompose myself. Ok, 2 minutes. Got up and walked over to my position. My hat didn't fit, hair was in my eyes and sweat dripped down but I didn't have time to worry about these things. The pitch came again but this time, the ball tries to slide by our shortstop michael, who runs deep in the hole to retrieve it. He says he heard me say "give it to me" and flipped the ball over to my open glove. It slipped in and I held it tight until the ref said "game!". Giant Robot advances.

I hardly slept last night. Was it the hurt or the victory. Maybe it was the hurt but mostly it was the victory.